Hot Stove: Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do

Sorry. SORRY. I apologized last time. (Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know.) School has hoarded my time… Until now. I took my two incredibly difficult finals and turned in my final paper (“Risk assessment by Major League Teams when signing international professional agents” — I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s in the Nobel Prize running this year) and now I am ready to devote approximate 18 percent of my waking moments to Need a Streamer.

So, let’s see. What has happened since I last posted? I don’t know, EVERYTHING?

I’ll write about signings and trades that occurred recently over several installment so I don’t overwhelm anyone. (“Anyone” = “myself”. Because reading this will take about two minutes but writing it will take 30.)

OK! Let’s get down to bidness.

Phillies sign OF Marlon Byrd
I don’t know, man. Byrd’s 2013 stats are wacky. Like, don’t-put-any–stock-in-his-2013-performance wacky. Outrageous HR/FB? Check. Career-high strikeout rate? Check. Career low percentage of balls put into play? Check. He’s good for a .280 average but I would be elated if he chalked up 15 homers next year. In his defense, he did hit a lot of line drives, so he obviously had some kind of power stroke going on last year. For the annual price, it’s pretty low-risk for Philadelphia, but two years is pushing it.

Winner: Byrd
Preseason rank: Not a top-50 OF

Dodgers sign SP Dan Haren
As much as I hate Haren for the putrid outings I endured in April, his seasons stats weren’t that bad. I mean, he had a 1.23 WHIP. That’s Zack Greinke‘s career WHIP. So it was mostly the long ball that plagued him, and guess what? He gets to pitch in the friendly confines of Dodger Stadium. It’s pretty much a best-case scenario for both sides, especially considering Haren will likely pitch in lower-leverage situations as the No.-4 or 5 starter for a great team. I’ll go on the record now and say he bounces back! Contingent on if he gives up a home run in his first start. Because if he does, I swear …

Winner: Both
Preseason rank: 64th, with upside

DET SP Doug Fister traded for WSN OF Steve Lombardozzi, others
You know it’s a bad trade when the marquee name you get in return is Lombardozzi. The Nationals worked their magic and replaced Dan Haren with an above-average pitcher while letting go of a backup outfielder and lackluster prospects. Lombardozzi will back Jose Iglesias at shortstop, but even when arguing for bench depth, I’m still not a big fan. Also, I’m guessing the Tigers were looking for some salary relief in order to make more moves and/or sign starting pitcher Max Scherzer to a long-term contract.

Winner: Washington Nationals
Fister’s preseason rank:
35th

Athletics sign SP Scott Kazmir
Honest question: Was Kazmir ever that good? He struck out a buttload of batters from 2004 to 2008, yeah. But he has pitched more than 200 innings only once in his entire career — which spans 10 years, by the way — and topped out at single-season bests of 13 wins, a 3.24 ERA and a 1.27 WHIP. He’s a back-end rotation guy at the very best, and while his strikeout potential is enticing in I don’t know what kind of league in which the only category is strikeouts, he’s not worth your time. What’s the A’s rotation now… Jarrod Parker, A.J. Griffin, Dan Straily, Sonny Gray, Kazmir? I would say his spot in the rotation is fair game, but with two years and $22 million spent on the guy, I would say the A’s will be too proud to bench him in June, kind of like the Dodgers wouldn’t let Kenley Jansen usurp Brandon League‘s right to the closer throne.

Winner: Kazmir
Preseason rank: 79th

Alright, fools. Tune in tomorrow for more hot stove action! (Disclaimer: I may not actually write something tomorrow. I accept your apologies in advance.)

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